Living
by Ximatrii
Summary: Tahiri Veila's view on everything that's gone on in the galaxy, especially Anakin...New Jedi Order spoilers.


LIVING By:  Mara Jade 

~~Author's Notes: All right, everyone.  I've decided to try another one of these "thoughts" fics.  This time I take it from Tahiri's point-of-view, because, hey, you've got to admit, the poor girl's had a tough time with these past few books.  I mean, they make her into a Yuuzhan Vong plaything, and then make her fall in love, and then Star By Star spoiler kill him?  That's just plain cruel.  Anyhow, here's my take, and yes, the last bit is taken from Rebel Dream.  Enjoy! ~~

                _Anakin!_

                I jolted upright in my bed.

                I remember everything as if it were yesterday.  The skies of Yavin 4 darkening with the presence of Yuuzhan Vong ships.  How—how Anakin and Valin got away, but the Yuuzhan Vong got me.  They tortured my mind and soul, made me believe I was one of them.  I would have killed Anakin, because he was _Jeedai_, and I thought I was Yuuzhan Vong.

                But he saved me.  I owe him my life for that.

                I was still in the midst of my agonizing recovery from my captivity when Anakin came to me again.  He tried to help me, and not long afterwards I agreed to join his team of Jedi Knights to destroy the damned voxyn queen.  I had experience with the Yuuzhan Vong.  I knew their language.  For Sith's sake, I still sometimes _think _in their language.  I know their ships, I know their ideals, and I know _them_.

                The mission started off badly.  We began losing _Jeedai_—Jedi, almost immediately.  The ruse that Ganner Rhysode was really the leader worked.  None of us Jedi gave away Anakin Solo's true position of leader of our team.

                I've loved Anakin for so long, and it's only grown.  Every time I see him, I see the real Anakin underneath.  I could almost always know exactly where he is.  Was.

                Oh, gods, it's so hard.  He's gone.  He's _gone!_

                I remember seeing him risk his life for his sister.  Jaina Solo was partially pinned to a wall and still fighting the Yuuzhan Vong when Anakin freed her.  And that damned warrior, he stabbed _him!_

                Jaina and Anakin got away, but Ani's death was slow.  I knew he was dying, but I hoped he wasn't.  I hoped I was wrong, but I had a cold bottomless pit in my soul.  I knew he would make it out alive.  I hoped to all the gods (not the Yuuzhan Vong ones) that I was being pessimistic, and wrong.

                Tekli tried to help him, but it wasn't enough…

                I feel the tears making their way down my face, but I'm not quite aware of them.  My body feels so distant, like I'm not _here,_ but just _there._  I know that makes no sense, but it's like I have no body, and therefore I should have no worries, no emotions, right?

                He fought until the end.  He was a fighter, and I knew he'd go down fighting, but not when he was only seventeen.  He is…was only a year old than me.  He was so in tune with the Force, so bright, a star going supernova.   And then gone.

                It felt like my world was torn apart.

                A part of my very soul died, dropping me into an endless abyss.  My Anakin was gone.

                I felt like my soul was dead, my body trying to catch up.  I went like a zombie for the next days, and weeks.  I wanted him back.  _Him, _not just the body we retrieved.  The body is just an empty husk, symbolic of how I felt.

                And I felt that the leaving his body intact was an insult to him.  All the Jedi students and apprentices, all of us knew the story of Dorsk 81, the clone Jedi, who sacrificed his life to save the Academy from seventeen Imperial Star Destroyers.  He was a focus for all the other Jedi on planet, and he died.  But his body disappeared.

                Anakin's body should have vanished, because he was a true Jedi.  He embodied the Jedi as a whole; he was our hope for victory.

                But he's gone now.  My love, my Anakin, is dead.

                I haven't had enough time to grieve.  There was so much the future held for Ani, but the Yuuzhan Vong stole his future.

                I saw Jaina Solo turn to the Dark Side.  I saw her lust for vengeance, and it took a lot of restraint on my part not to join her.  I wanted to.  I could have helped her, and we would have rid the galaxy of the masochistic sons of bitches.  They would have died painfully, and Jaina and I would have avenged Anakin.  The thought had been strongly tempting.  But I restrained myself, and Kyp Durron is helping Jaina.  I don't think I would be able to help pull her back from her flirt with the Dark Side without feeling that tug, that _want_, that _need_ to make sure Anakin did not die for nothing.

                Anakin wouldn't have wanted me to turn to the Dark Side for him.  He would want me to continue living.  Helping the Jedi.  Living.

                I heard that Master Skywalker is leading a group on to Coruscant.  I can feel again, although its still painful to think of Anakin.

                "So I'll go instead of you," I told Anakin's sister.  Jaina looked at me strangely, almost disbelief.

                "You?"

                I nodded.  Another mission could take my mind further from the funeral pyre I last saw Anakin's body, the void left from his death.  It might be just what I need.


End file.
